semper insomno, semper somniare

July is Mental Health Awareness month. And, despite the title of this blog, I am actually not so sane. No, indeedy.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder just about 8 years ago now. And that was just the official diagnosis. I showed symptoms from as young as 9 years old.

Bipolar disorder is such a misunderstood condition. And, yes, I prefer calling it a condition than a disease. Because, really, it’s not all bad. Of course, I am not downplaying the havoc it causes – the extremely dark depressions leaving one paralysed in bed wishing for death, because, dear god, anything including death would be better than feeling like this, the raging manias filled with anger and paranoia and spending sprees that would make a rich heiress blush and let’s not forget the addictions, oh god, the need for excessive everything, and even on normal days you know you will never never be normal.

One must have chaos in one, to give birth to a dancing star. - FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE

But there is a good side to Bipolar too. The fantastic creativity, the super productivity, the ability to think outside the box, the touch of genius. And even if these moments are small points on the path of the pendulum, for me, they make the rest of the pendulum’s swing completely worthwhile – in retrospect, of course.

I'm so happy. Cause today I found my friends. They're in my head. I'm so ugly. But that's ok. 'Cause so are you. We've broke our mirrors. Sunday morning. Is everyday for all I care. And I'm not scared. Light my candles. In a daze cause I've found god. - Lyrics from "Lithium" by NIRVANA

But yes, Bipolar is a misunderstood condition. Normal people think that depression is being a little bit sad, really, something you should just snap out of. And there can certainly not be anything like being too happy.

"If I can't feel, if I can't move, if I can't think, and I can't care, then what conceivable point is there in living?"
— Kay Redfield Jamison

Depression at its mildest, to me, feels like the sun will never shine again, the birds will never sing again, and it will be a starless night forever. All joy has left the world, and I am just a pile of shit. As I spiral downwards, it feels like my bones are being filled with lead until eventually I can no longer move. Anything goes wrong in the world, and it MUST be my fault, because I am a useless piece of crap. Food has no taste, everything is grey and dull and limp, and there is simply no point in doing anything. When I was younger, I would cut myself with razor blades or the blades from pencil sharpeners, or prick my fingers with safety pins – simply to try and remember what it is like to feel. And eventually, you wonder what the point is, and you believe that the world would be a better place without you in it.

"You wake up one morning and there it is, sitting in an old plaid bathrobe in your kitchen, unpleasant and unshaved. You look at it, heart sinking. Madness is a rotten guest."
— Marya Hornbacher

Mania, at its mildest, means that I talk too much and too fast, and my thoughts fly by at 1000km an hour and I can work 20 hours a day non-stop, solving the problems of the western world while balancing the budget of the entire 3rd world, painting a picture with my right hand and writing a short story with my left hand. And then, because I am so fucking productive, I start believing that I am fucking awesome. Yes, the most awesome fucking human being ever – those around me should bow down as I walk past, because I am just so fucking brilliant. And then you stop sleeping. Colour and light become rich experiences, and man, who needs acid once you get to this point. But hell, acid would be awesome at this point, so why the hell not, right? And you just cannot get enough of good tastes and good sensations, so your partner better hold on, because man, you suddenly have the sex drive of a rabbit, and if you’re single, no red light district can provide enough satisfaction. And then there is the spending. No matter how in control you are normally, a mania will easily wipe out your life savings, your kid’s university fund, your retirement fund, and any other fund you may have access to. And often, you will spend money on crap.

"But money spent while manic doesn't fit into the Internal Revenue Service concept of medical expense or business loss. So after mania, when most depressed, you're given excellent reason to be even more so."
— Kay Redfield Jamison

But all this still sounds all right, doesn’t it? Of course, because I haven’t even started thinking about the dark side of the mania. The hallucinations that follow on from that little superiority complex can range from voices telling you to do things, to full visual hallucinations of angels or demons – like I said, who needs Acid, right? – and the funny thing with hallucinations is that they are so hard to identify for what they are – your brain creates these images, and believes them to be the whole truth and nothing but the truth, and no matter how much someone tells you that they are not true, your brain will always believe itself over others. And the less you sleep, the quicker the hallucinations start, and the less you end up sleeping.

"I thought I would inaugurate a Bipolar Pride Day. You know, with floats and parades and stuff! On the floats we would get the depressives, and they wouldn’t even have to leave their beds - we’d just roll their beds out of their houses, and they could continue staring off miserably into space. And then for the manics, we’d have the manic marching band, with manics laughing and talking and shopping and fucking and making bad judgment calls."
— Carrie Fisher

Bipolar disorder is not something you can just shake off, or work through, or explain away, or ignore. The worst thing to say to a Bipolar is just hang in there, or lighten up, or calm down, or I understand, I felt sad once. To be honest, there is no comparison between the sadness you felt when your dog died and the despair felt in the beginning of a depression, so don’t even try to compare the two.

Instead, you can say I am here for you or You are not alone. And always remember that bipolar people are people too, just like you, with kids, jobs, families, mortgages and all the other things that normal life brings.